Finding out my husband watches porn has made me feel inadequate

NEWS… BUT NOT AS YOU KNOW IT According to Ofcom, more than half of British adults watch pornography online – and this figure is made up of over three times more men than women. Despite ethical porn producers and new forms of erotica designed to appeal to women, the majority of content is still targeted solely towards the male gaze.Gay porno This week, we hear from a reader who’s struggling with her body image after catching her husband masturbating to porn. Although friends tell her ‘all men’ do it, she’s worried she can’t live up to the women in these videos. Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s dilemma, from a dad whose protective daughter is preventing him from moving on, despite the fact it’s been five years since his wife left. You might think I’m making a fuss about nothing, but I’ve recently discovered that my husband watches porn on the internet and it has really upset me. He’s a shift worker and when he’s working strange hours, he sleeps in the spare room. I noticed the other week that the bedside light was still on long after he’d gone to bed so I crept in to switch it off. He was fast asleep but still had his laptop open, and to my horror he had lesbian porn playing soundlessly. He had one hand on the keyboard, and you can guess where the other hand was. I fled to the kitchen and burst into tears. I’m not the slimmest or best-looking girl, and from what I saw, the models featured were slender and pretty, with big breasts. I thought we had a good sex life, but that glimpse made me feel so inadequate. Is that the sort of woman he really wishes he was with? I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about it and their view is that all men watch porn and I shouldn’t worry. I want to say something to my husband but feel really embarrassed. He keeps asking me what’s wrong, so it must be obvious that I’m upset about something. I’m afraid if I bring up the subject, we’ll just end up having a massive argument that I’ll wish I hadn’t started. I don’t want to minimise your upset, but your husband really isn’t doing anything that many men (and women) don’t do regularly. Watching porn only becomes a problem when it’s an addiction, so I do urge you to talk to your husband about what you saw, and make sure that isn’t the case. Seeing gorgeous girls on screen can trigger all sorts of anxieties about figure and appearance, but it’s unrealistic to compare yourself with such women. Porn actresses are often stunning creatures who get paid to have sex in films, and what they get up to usually bears little relation to the sex life most couples have. It’s important to understand that sex isn’t always connected to love, and I’m sure that watching the occasional porn movie doesn’t lessen your husband’s feelings for you in any way. Sometimes viewing pornography is just a comforting pleasure after a hard day at work, or a bit of fantasy escapism without the ties of real intimacy. Of course it can be used to relieve sexual frustrations, but if you generally have a good sex life, you have nothing to worry about. Resolve not to turn the issue into an argument, and calmly bring up the subject with your husband. Don’t blame him and ask him not to blame you; instead, simply try to understand one another’s point of view. I went on five minute date with a stranger then we had hot sex against a wall I’m getting married to my former PE teacher — my schoolmates still call her ‘Miss’ I spent my holiday having casual sex every night, now I feel ashamed He asked me to marry him and I said yes — then he told me about the baby I appreciate that some people still think it’s wrong but realistically, in 2024, the fact that your husband watches porn occasionally is not a big deal. If he’s worried he has an addiction, write to me again. Laura is a counsellor and columnist. I’m second-fiddle to everything my partner does – are we drifting apart? Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

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